Yes, yes, I know, I know. You've been saying it for years, I've been living under a rock, this is not news, finally someone has the balls to say it. I ain't gonna bore y'all with when I first heard about Palcomix, what made me realize they were shit on a plate, or why I waited until now to say something. I didn't know then, I know now, let's get into why Palcomix is garbage already.

Clickbait Title Pages

Palcomix has awful drawing skills when it comes to their comics. Sure, they make decent designs of the Sonic characters, but I'm not talking about the character designs. I'm talking about the way they draw characters in the actual comics. You ever notice how the title pages look professionally designed with good use of lighting, clever posing, and detailed backgrounds but the actual comic looks like a pale imitation? Take a look at the title page for Applejack's Secret Is Out. Notice how well shaded it is, how detailed the backgrounds are, and how well positioned the characters are. Now look at the first page; it's like someone with no experience in art and design drew it. The lighting is all over the place, the backgrounds are flat, and the positions Applejack in this one page make her look like a giant compared to Apple Bloom and Big Mac. Also, despite being in a barn in the middle of the night, Applejack and Big Mac are lit like it's day light when there's no source of light in the barn. This is one of many examples of blatant clickbait. They go all out on the poster but when you get into the actual comic it's clear they can't draw worth a damn.

Badly Boarded Sex Scenes

If you think they put more effort into the sex scenes (you know? the actual reason why people read their shit?), think again! They have a serious problem boarding and pacing their sex scenes, to the point where it looks embarrassing. Let's look at The Sonaze Beginning, shall we? On page 8, Blaze begins giving Sonic a titjob on the bed, and the very next page he's standing up blowing his load in her mouth. What the fuck happen?! Then on page 11, while Sonic is fucking Blaze in the ass, the final panel has Blaze's head in front of a plain green background. Why?! And on page 13, Blaze is on fours in the second panel and in the 3rd, Sonic's already got his cock in her pussy! Are you fucking kidding me?! I know Sonic's the fastest thing alive, but that's no excuse for speeding through the sex scene just to get to the fucking money shot! The clear lack of boarding and pacing ruins what would've been a hot and engaging sex scene between the characters.

Character Bastardization

Speaking of characters, good Thor, God of Thunder, do they do the characters a disservice! Often times the characters from the IPs were so familiar with act grossly out of character. Sonic being a cheating asshole in Betrayal 1 and 2, Gadget being unable to get herself out of the lab in Lab Mouse, Pikachu sleeping through Misty sucking Ash's cock in Wet Dreams 1 (those ears aren't just there for show, people), Po interrupting Tigress' bath in The True Meaning of Awesomeness, and so on! But nothing compares to their complete and utter bastardization of the Teen Titans in Raven's Lust 1! Firstly, Raven's lust emotion would be better suppressed in Raven's mind because, oh I don't know-SHE'S FUCKING RAVEN! Secondly, I can maybe see Beast Boy being seduced by Raven's lust, but Robin? The same Robin that was trained in discipling and restraint by Batman? Fuck no! And Starfire might be naive, but not stupid enough to ignore that her friend is not herself! Cyborg is the only rational one, but clearly not rational enough to do anything to stop the plot! The real kicker? It only gets WORSE! Bumblebee and Cole are reduced to silent cameos, Blackfire shows up even though she's definitely not naive like Starfire to fall for Raven's lust, Slade drops in for Raven's services, blatantly ignoring the fact that he's an egomaniac and gets more enjoyment watching people suffer, and when Cyborg returns, he doesn't come back with reinforcements because that would imply he's still a competent and resourceful superhero! This comic is the porn equivalent to M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender! Yeah, I said it! It bastardized the characters so badly that they canceled whatever plans they had for it!

Terrible Plots and Awful Dialogue

I know no one watches porn for the plot, but comics aren't your typical porn video. Comics rely on the reader's attachment to the existing IP to get noticed. We're familiar with the shows and movies that feature these characters in the porn comic, so naturally we're curious to see how they would play out in porn. This is where Palcomix fails at because all of their comics have terrible plots that are poorly paced and have awful dialogue. The comic that encapsulates everything wrong with Palcomix (besides Raven's Lust 1) is What Goes On I The Girl's Locker Room. In addition to bad drawing skills, terrible boarding, rushed pacing, and bastardized characters, this comic's plot and dialogue are nothing short of terrible. Basically, Bugs has sex with Lola, Tina and Penelope in the locker room. Oh, I'm sorry, that's the pitch. The actual PLOT, as in what happens in the comic, doesn't do the pitch justice! After a basketball game where it's not made clear who's winning or why they're playing, Lola, Tina, and Penelope hit the showers. Bugs hides in a locker and watches the girls engage in rushed, unengaging lesbian sex before being caught and joining. All the while it cuts to flashbacks that have nothing to do with the story and only exist to drag the comic out longer than necessary. Oh and Christ with a dildo of thorns up his ass is the dialogue terrible! "Come on, girls, let's dry up already. I know Bugs said he can wait but I know he was just being nice" is a grammatically broken sentence that doesn't even have a period. The speech bubble above Lola on page 3 was clearly said by Tina but they didn't even bother to fix that easily fixable mistake. This comic is full of grammatical errors, bad sentence structure and poor placement of speech bubbles. And before you make your replies, I already see your "You don't have to read the speech bubbles" and raise you a "I wouldn't if they weren't littered over the fucking page!" So not only is the plot for the comic terribly structured, but the terrible dialogue litter on every page prevents me from just focusing on the art. Not that I would because it the laziest and most braindead art Palcomix has ever made!

Final Thoughts

I know many of you grew up with Palcomix and like me, you were out of the loop that they were actually reviled and dunked on for years. Well, consider this post your wake-up call. Palcomix is a shitty website that makes shitty porn comics. Their drawing skills are shit, their storytelling is lazy, their dialogue is brain dead, the sex scenes are rushed, and they bastardize fan favorite characters beyond recognition. And if you already knew all this, congratulations. Here's a cookie 🍪. Obviously, don't harass anyone affiliated with Palcomix. Be the bigger person and start reading other porn comics.