[X] My Assistant

Seriously? Damn, and I've been saying "aphrodasiac" in my head all this time. Bleh....

Anyway, I agree with your comments, wrapped "..." around "sport" (Used to wrap it around "My little" as a mumble by her), and took on "as being alike", and have edited them all into the script.


Thanks for the comments.

Ok, finished [www.mediafire.com] Haraguro Megane no Tokoro ni Iru !

Edit : Ok, with this last change it's ready to be released


This post has been edited by Shinko.Aelith: Jan 11 2015, 07:05

Hi all,

I sent this to Red Piotrus as a PM yesterday, and he suggested I re-post it here to get your opinions.

When it comes to the proofread version of a translated script, do you prefer that the final draft be as close to the original text as possible, or are you open to embellishments in order to make it sound more "natural"?

I'm asking because I read Haraguro Megane no Tokoro ni Iru (Ansatsusha) ga Kawaii, and I think that adding a few additional phrases would make it easier to understand. Here's an example, so you can see what I mean:

ORIGINAL VERSION (Page 3):
This is a Log Horizon - Akatsuki book.
I decided to write this as an adventurer in Akibahara's doujin.
Therefore, this is written from the perspective of someone who knows nothing
of Shiroe and Akatsuki's personalities, and is purely imaginative.
The fore and afterword on pages 4 and 17 are also written in this fashion.
...please don't give me shit about roleplaying.
...I just wanted to ask that much.

TWEAKED VERSION:
This is a Log Horizon - Akatsuki book.
I decided to write this as if I were an adventurer in Akibahara's doujin.
That's why this is written from the perspective of someone who knows nothing
of Shiroe's and Akatsuki's personalities. It is purely a product of his imagination.
The fore- and afterwords on pages 4 and 17 are also written in this manner.
...Please don't give me crap about roleplaying.
...That's all I ask.

The tweaked version takes a few liberties with the translation, but how do you find it? Your opinion will help me decide whether I should continue my style of proofreading.

Thanks!

I think that's indeed better.

Also, it was suggested we replace all Haguro Megane with Villain in Glasses ; it is indeed used in the subs I watch, so this gets my support, too.

Thoughts?

You'll have to forgive me as some of this is very frank.

I'll quickly go over your revisions before explaining myself further.

TWEAKED VERSION:
This is a Log Horizon - Akatsuki book.
I decided to write this as if I were an adventurer in Akibahara's doujin.
That's why this is written from the perspective of someone who knows nothing
of Shiroe's and Akatsuki's personalities. It is purely a product of his imagination.
The fore- and afterwords on pages 4 and 17 are also written in this manner.
...Please don't give me crap about roleplaying.
...That's all I ask.

My translation should be read as "I decided to write this as [an adventurer in Akibahara]'s doujin. Your revision changes the sentence to "I decided to write this as if I were [an adventurer in Akibahara]'s doujin. The author then ends up calling himself a doujin, which I don't think was his intention.

Changing "therefore" to "That's why" diverges from the Japanese and changes the nuance of the sentence itself from a statement to an explanation. The author neither apologises for nor explains away his choice, but informs the reader of it, thus my choice in "therefore" (BakaStratos's actually, I incorrectly used "therefor", which places the stress on the second syllable rather than the first).

"Shiroe's and Akatsuki's" is superfluous. If you replaced the names with Bob and Mary you would not say "Bob's and Mary's" Doing so implies that the personalities (plural) belong as a whole to both of them (singularly), rather than simply being a list.

I say this without authority, but having a hyphen after fore feels awkward unless you also hyphenated "after-word", which is widely accepted as having no hyphen.

Asides from being a rather short sentence, "It is purely a product of his imagination" is part of the same sentence in Japanese, which lead me to keep it as so in English.

Although I can find no rule of punctuation to back me in saying this, I prefer not to capitalise a word directly preceded by ellipsis. This is purely my taste.

Is there a reason to change "shit" to "crap"?

I think your revision to "That's all I ask" works nicely

So, to the explaining bit:

I grew up in a household with two extremely literate parents, one of whom was an English lecturer. As a child I read enormous numbers of novels, many of which were several centuries old. Despite this period being behind me, I still have what many people would probably consider to be a very academic, or perhaps simply "old-fashioned" English usage. While it could be argued that this style of English is more correct than that which many modern speakers use, I also understand that the majority of people who come to this site do not necessarily:

a- have a greatly functional understanding of English.
b- wish to be confused by high-brow grammar.

While I will always prefer to write my scripts according to my own understanding of the English language (as do we all), I completely understand that people come here chiefly to read porn. They're here to get off to drawings, and have the text enhance that experience, not distract and baffle them.

If any QCer or editor who is using one of my scripts feels that the way I wrote it will confuse more people than will understand it then please feel free to suggest changes to me, and we can have a discussion about it I'm always willing to have my scripts made better.

EDIT: something I wrote turned into a smiley face...
RE-EDIT: apparently it's impossible to write b(closebracket) without it turning into

This post has been edited by mathillean: Jan 13 2015, 21:15

I think that's indeed better.

Also, it was suggested we replace all Haguro Megane with Villain in Glasses ; it is indeed used in the subs I watch, so this gets my support, too.

Thoughts?

My only suggestion is that "That assassin girl who's always with that Haraguro Megane..." should become "That assasin girl who's always with that the Villain in Glasses..." and likewise, two setences later insert "the" again before Haraguro Megane Villain in Glasses

This post has been edited by mathillean: Jan 13 2015, 21:34

Ok, I'll fix when I'll have the time (in friday probably)

TWEAKED VERSION:
This is a Log Horizon - Akatsuki book.
I decided to write this as if I were an adventurer in Akibahara's doujin.
That's why this is written from the perspective of someone who knows nothing
of Shiroe's and Akatsuki's personalities. It is purely a product of his imagination.
The fore- and afterwords on pages 4 and 17 are also written in this manner.
...Please don't give me crap about roleplaying.
...That's all I ask

Hi, meow_pao,

Thanks for commenting. I apologise if I am about to look like I will burn you with words, but I prefer to fiercely defend myself when it comes. Let me clarify one thing though - I am a proofreader, and honestly can't read any Japanese characters. Therefore, as much as I would like to stick to the Japanese nuances and such, I do try to read it and make sure nothing sore comes up. I have to agree with many things mathillean pointed out though, such as the hyphenation of "fore". I'll be writing about any additions I may have.

Now, on to your suggestions.

I decided to write this as if I were an adventurer in Akibahara's doujin.

I like your idea here - however, I have to agree with mathillean here, in that [an adventurer in Akihabara] should be grouped. On third thoughts, though, with the inclusion of your idea, a possibly easier to read version might be "I decided to write this doujin as if I were an adventurer in Akihabara". However, as a proofreader, I have to rely on the translator to express the nuances through translation - if it is written as a statement, it's a statement. Really, I should be shooting myself for not asking myself, "Akihabara has a doujin?!" and "Why isn't Akihabara spelt correctly?" Yep, at least I'm changing the spelling to the right one after I post this.

That's why this is written from the perspective of someone who knows nothing
of Shiroe's and Akatsuki's personalities. It is purely a product of his imagination.

I can't say much about this - it is dependent on the last point. However, I'd like to suggest, should we ever end up adapting this, "It is purely a product of myimagination." The use of " 's " with Shiroe, I feel, makes it more of a mouthful than it really should be, since I read that as a group as well, [Shiroe and Akatsuki]'s. However, since in the original, the translator deemed the entire foreword as a statement rather than an explanation...

...Please don't give me crap about roleplaying.

This makes the author come across as brash. "Crap", or "shit" (Are you British? You used "crap", that's why I asked...), however you cut it, this is not consistent with the previous lines you suggested, in which the author gently explains his reasons for the viewpoints portrayed in the doujin. Unless he/she's got some massive mood swings while writing -.-'. Rather, it's, imho, "Look, this is who I am going to be, so this is how I wanted to write this. Including these words you're currently reading, and the words you'll see when you're done fapping. If you'd rather have me stick closer to the original personalities, I don't care. Just saying."

Now don't get me wrong, you made good points - I myself looked at that foreword and thought, this looks awkward. Maybe some formatting, like adding a line break between "...are also written in this manner." and "...please don't give me shit...". Your capitalisation there is justified, with or without the line break I suggest, but what I've learnt waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too late is that in comics, everyone writes in capitals, so I actually end up not bothering to do it. Especially since I use notepad when doing these, and typing color=#FF0000 gets really tiring on some scripts if I correct every.single.capitalisation. Personally, though, I try to stick close to the source, including formatting. If I didn't, I'd ditch the starting ellipsis, put it on the end of that line, and start the next with another ellipsis as the author did.


I'll edit in your suggestion of "...that's all I ask.", which does work better. And the spelling of Akihabara, which I just managed to pick up (I always do these around 10-12pm, which explains why Kirino's "A-kiha-baraaaaa!" didn't come up). And we can also edit in your improvement with making the statement into an explanation, if everyone agrees with it here. But I'm defending it myself based on consistency across the foreword.

Edit: ...somehow just got the urge to watch Oreimo after typing this. Again.

This post has been edited by BakaStratos: Jan 13 2015, 22:44

Having read this with interest, this reminds me about a comment recently made in the EHCOVE discussion thread, that even what we do here (i.e. translate porn) can be quite educational (perhaps more for us than for the readers, but... ).

As a non-native English speaker myself, I just want to say I very much appreciate proofreading by people who clearly have more command of that language than me (i.e. you guys).

--

On an unrelated note, if any editor, TL or proofreader involved in a project wants to have some comments included in gallery description or credit pages, it's totally fine with me. Ex. both me and ulti had stuff to say in the description of [urhttp://ehentaihip.com/g/748684/5d5a968ed5/]this one[/url], and we usually say various stuff about almost all of our releases. I've seen some other groups do it, and I think it's cool. But then I've always liked walls-of-texts author rants, so...

This post has been edited by Red_Piotrus: Jan 14 2015, 08:30

Hi mathillean and BakaStratos,

I see now. I misunderstood the second line. The original phrase "Akibahara's doujin" confused me, because it made me think that the author was creating a doujin that was "written by an adventurer" in the literary world of "Akibahara's doujin" (I thought "Akibahara" was the name of a doujin writer).

Now that I understand the line, I agree with BakaStratos' suggestion, which is to rephrase it as "I decided to write this doujin as if I were an adventurer in Akihabara". I'd follow that up by modifying the next line to start with "As such..." to keep it as a statement while providing an explanation of sorts.

Regarding the use of possessives with two nouns, both nouns use apostrophes if they possess different items. In the case above, Shiroe and Akatsuki have different personalities, so it is correct to say "Shiroe's and Akatsuki's personalities". If, on the other hand, they share a common item (like a book, for example), then only the second noun gets the apostrophe ("Shiroe and Akatsuki's book").

The reason I changed "shit" to "crap" is the same as that of BakaStratos -- except that where I'm from, the word "crap" is less offensive than "shit". I changed it in an attempt to make his request come across as less harsh.

With that in mind, here's the revised version:

This is a Log Horizon - Akatsuki book.
I decided to write this doujin as if I were an adventurer in Akihabara.
As such, this is written from the perspective of someone who knows nothing
of Shiroe's and Akatsuki's personalities, and is purely a product of that person's imagination.
The fore and afterwords on pages 4 and 17 are also written in this manner.
...Please don't give me shit about roleplaying.
...That's all I ask.

I'd have sent this as a PM to both of you so as not to clutter the board, but Red Piotrus mentioned that he found this discussion interesting, so I decided to post it online.

P.S. If you want to see an example of my proofreading, you can check out http://ehentaihip.com/g/705970/361bcea3ee/ . Most of the work I do is for mainstream manga, though.

Thanks for your reply.

Interesting how words differ around the world. To me shit and crap may as well be the same word.

Ok, I made the changes. I hope I didn't forget anything ^^

Hello Shinko,

Just saying, on the second page you posted up, there should be a space between "glasses" and " "Master" ". Second paragraph, second line. Nitpicking, but otherwise I can't see anything missing.

Hello Shinko,

Just saying, on the second page you posted up, there should be a space between "glasses" and " "Master" ". Second paragraph, second line. Nitpicking, but otherwise I can't see anything missing.

Ugh, sorry

Thanks for pointing it out ^^


This post has been edited by Shinko.Aelith: Jan 21 2015, 02:01

I just watched all the currently aired second season episodes the other day, and it seems that "my lord" is used in preference to "master" in the English subbed versions. If it's not too late it may be a good idea to change as most readers will be used to the subtitle version.

I just bumped it twice recently, but... why not, if we want to aim for perfection

I still need to upload the lasted fix anyway

I will take your bounty for the translation of "EHCOVE [Seven Days Holiday (Shinokawa Arumi, Kogabo)] SISTER FAERIE (SOA)".

Red_Piotrus, I have just sent you a PM including the first draft of the translation of "EHCOVE [Seven Days Holiday (Shinokawa Arumi, Kogabo)] SISTER FAERIE (SOA)".

As requested, posting the second draft of the translation for "EHCOVE [Seven Days Holiday (Shinokawa Arumi, Kogabo)] SISTER FAERIE (SOA)" here. Included SFX and fixed some typos.

Please inform me if this is alright at first opportunity so I may claim the bounty.

Page 5
Panel 1
Kyaa!!
[SFX: Skid]

Panel 2
Heheh… Long time no see, Lyfa.

Panel 3
You…? You are…Sigurd…?

Panel 4
You’ve already forgotten about me? Such a cold woman you are.

Page 6
Panel 1
What’s going on…?
Even if it’s an ambush, to think even onii-chan was so easily defeated, never mind myself…

Panel 2
Not to mention the wound I just received still hurts… It can’t be…?
Don’t tell me you’ve…

Panel 3
Hmph…
[SFX: Whirl]

Panel 4
After you had me so disgracefully exiled, I ran into someone who claimed to work for RECT.
I was thus given this tool that controls the senses.

Panel 5
Through this, I can control the pain filtered through the AmuSphere however I like.
In other words, I can cause you to black out in the real world from the increased pain.

Page 7
Panel 1
I-Isn’t that cheating!? I’ll report this to game management!

Panel 2
Unfortunately, I must advise you against it. You do know, of course, how long It takes for a GM to show up, yes?

Panel 3
[SFX: Whirl]
If you were to report this, I’ll inflict maximum pain on that bastard over there before the GM arrives.
Wha…

Panel 4
If I do this, he’s not going to get away with just blacking out.
Besides, he’s your beloved “onii-chan”, isn’t he? Heheh…

Panel 5
Now…I trust you understand the situation you’re in…?
[SFX: Tighten]
Gulp

Panel 6
What should I do…?
Heheh…you seem to understand what’s going on. In that case…

Page 8
Panel 1
Hey, what’s wrong? This is never going to be over if you don’t open your mouth.
Ku…
[SFX: Chu]
[SFX: Gulp]
Nn…

Panel 2
Even you should know how to give a blowjob, yes?
Besides, who knows what will happen if you don’t service me…heheh…

Panel 3
Heheh...yes, moved that tongue some more.
[SFX: Touch]

Panel 4
Mmph!
[SFX: Slide]
Ngh!

Panel 5
[SFX: Gulp, Gulp]
[SFX: Gulp, Gulp]
Mm…shall we start getting me off?

Panel 6
Mmph…!?
[SFX: Slide]

Page 9
Panel 1
[SFX: Slash]

Panel 2
Your movements are immature, but your body is surprisingly mature.

Panel 3
Heheh…it seems I can make up for the previous disgrace I suffered with this.

Panel 4
But first, let’s have you thoroughly enjoy my taste in your throat.

Panel 5
N…
Noooooooooo!!
[SFX: Push]

Page 10
Panel 1
Behave yourself!

Panel 2
[SFX: Blub]
Mmph!

Panel 3
Drink every single drop, Lyfa.
[SFX: Gush, Gush]
[SFX: Slurp, Slurp, Slurp]
Nnn…
Nng…

Panel 4
[SFX: Splurt, Splurt]
[SFX: Choke, Choke]

Panel 5
Mmph… Nng…
[SFX: Gulp, Gulp]


Panel 6
[SFX: Slide]
Phaa! Cough! Cough!!
Hiii
Noooo
[SFX: Push]

Page 11
Panel 1
Hmph… You can’t even satisfy me with a blowjob.
It seems I need to punish you.

Panel 2
Kyaa!
[SFX: Slam]

Panel 3
[SFX: Slash]

Panel 4
Hweh…
[SFX: Spread]

Page 12
Panel 1
Well, then…I shall be taking your virginity with my cock.
Eek! N-No…
Impossible… I-It won’t fit…
[SFX: Boing, Boing]
Your reaction is surprisingly innocent. Don’t tell me you’re a virgin in real life?
W…What are you saying…?

Panel 2
Heheh…so this is your weak spot. Then, after all this is over, let’s have you please me in reality as well.
Eek! S-Stop…
[SFX: Touch]
[SFX: Rub]

Panel 3
Let’s take your virginity both in the virtual world and the real one.
D-Don’t!
[SFX: Choke]
N-No! Noooooo!

Panel 4
[SFX: Stomp]
Hm?

Page 13
Panel 1
W…
What is this…?

Panel 2
Don’t tell me…you…how…did you…this quickly…?
[SFX: Drain]

Panel 3
Because I’ve had experience…in enduring heightened pain…

Panel 5
[SFX: Fwoooom]

Page 14
Panel 1
Sugu…
Onii…chan…

Panel 4
[SFX: Creak]

Panel 5
Sugu…?

Page 15
Panel 1
S-Sugu!?

Panel 2
P-Put your clothes on!
[SFX: Turn]

Page 16
Panel 1
I keep washing and washing…but that disgusting feeling won’t go away…
If this goes on…I’ll break…
Onii-chan…

Panel 2
Sugu…

Panel 3
I beg you, onii-chan…!

Panel 4
Let me forget…everything…

Page 17
Panel 2
Is this okay…Sugu…?
M-Mm…

Panel 3
[SFX: Tremble]
[SFX: Slide]

Panel 4
[SFX: Rustle]
D-Don’t…Don’t stare like that…It’s embarrassing…onii-chan…
Sugu…you’re beautiful…You’ve really grown since then…
N-No… Don’t say such things…
[SFX: Whump]

Page 18
Panel 1
Is this okay…? Taking advantage of onii-chan like this…
Onii-chan already has Asuna-san…

Panel 2
But…I can’t stop now even if I wanted to…
Onii…chan…I’m…
It’s okay…You don’t need to say anything…
I’m sorry for being a bad girl…

Panel 3
I’ll…just think of today as a dream…

Panel 4
Nn… Mm… Kh…

Page 19
Panel 1
Sugu…down there…
Huh…?

Panel 3
H…Hyaa!
[SFX: Pull]

Panel 4
[SFX: Rub]
[SFX: Twitch, Twitch]
[SFX: Stroke]
Ah! Yaaah!

Panel 5
Onii-chan! D-D-D-Don’t! Not that!

Panel 6
Kyaa!
A-Aah! Eek!
[SFX: Lick, Lick, Lick]
D…

Page 20
Panel 1
[SFX: Slurp]

Panel 2
Eek!
[SFX: Tremble]

Panel 3
You’ve seen…all of Sugu…
N-No…onii-chan, you idiot…

Panel 4
[SFX: Lick, Lick]
[SFX: Smooch, Smooch]
Nn!
Nn…
Hyaa
[SFX: Shiver, Shiver]
[SFX: Haa, haa]

Panel 5
Mm…
[SFX: Grope, Grope]
N…Mm…
[SFX: Smooch, Smooch]
Nn…

Page 21
Panel 1
I’m…going to use my fingers…
Hweh…?

Panel 2
Eh!?
[SFX: Slide]
Hyaa!

Panel 3
D-Don’t put it in!
[SFX: Stroke, Stroke]

Panel 4
Hiii! A-Aaah!
[SFX: Rub, Rub, Rub]
N-Not there!!

Panel 5
Haa, haa
Hwah…
Sugu is so sensitive…
[SFX: Drip]

Page 22
Panel 1
Here I go…

Panel 2
[SFX: Touch]
This is Sugu’s first time, isn’t it? Say something if it hurts…

Panel 3
Nn… But it’s okay... So…
…Okay.
[SFX: Puchi, Puchi]
[SFX: Slide]
Onii-san’s dick…is entering my…
A-Ah…

Panel 4
A…A…Ah…

Panel 5
[SFX: Fwiiip]
Aaaaaah!
[SFX: Puchi, Puchi]

Page 23
Panel 1
Nn! Eek!
[SFX: Fwiiip]
I-It hurts! Aaah!

Panel 2
Hwaaaah!
[SFX: Clench]
[SFX: Whump, Whump]
[SFX: Squish, Squish]
[SFX: Thump, Tump]
[SFX: Grip]
[SFX: Tremble, Tremble, Tremble]
O-Oni-chan! Ahn! Hiii!
Hya
D-Don’t…Y…You’re so rough…!

Panel 3
Haa, haa
[SFX: Tremble, Tremble]
[SFX: Tremble]
You’re touching… Inside my… A-Aah!

Panel 4
Hii!
[SFX: Squish, Squish]
[SFX: Fwip, Fwip]
Aah!

Page 24
Panel 1
Nn
Sugu’s pussy…it feels so good…
[SFX: Shudder]
Ah
Hii
[SFX: Squeeze]
Hwah! Hwah!
[SFX: Whump, Whump]
Hii!
Nn!
[SFX: Squish, Squish]

Panel 2
Onii…chan…
…Hm?
[SFX: Fwip]
Go…harder…rougher…
[SFX: Squish]
[SFX: Drip, Drip]

Panel 3
Are you sure...? Sugu…
Haa
Haa
Nn…oniichan…

Page 25
Panel 1
[SFX: Fwiiiiip]
Aaaah!!

Panel 2
Hyuuu!
Nn
[SFX: Twitch, Twitch]
[SFX: Squish, Squish, Squish]
[SFX: Thump, Thump]
Uaaa! Aaah!

Panel 3
[SFX: Fwip, Fwip]
[SFX: Fwap, Fwap]
Sugu!
[SFX: Squish, Squish]
[SFX: Schlick, Schlick]
[SFX: Creak, Creak]
Ah
Hi
Onii-chan! Onii-chan!
Ah…Aah!

Page 26
Panel 1
[SFX: Fwap, Fwap]
Aaah!
Hyaa!
[SFX: Squish, Squish]
[SFX: Bounce]
Yaaah! This is…so embarrassing like this! Hyaa!
[SFX: Tremble]
[SFX: Grip]

Panel 2
Onii-chan’s…it’s deep inside…!
[SFX: Twist]
Hii
Hwah! I…I can’t…
Sugu…me too…I can’t…
[SFX: Squeeze]

Panel 3
[SFX: Squish, Squish, Squish]
It’s okay…onii-chan…You can cum…inside…inside my pussy!
Su…gu…!
[SFX: Fwap, Fwap]
[SFX: Wobble, Wobble]
Ah! I-I can’t…anymore…!!

Page 27
Panel 1
Ah!
[SFX: Squirt, Squirt]
H-Hyaa!
Nn!
[SFX: Drip, Drip]
Aaah!
[SFX: Gush]
Uaa!
Aaah!
[SFX: Gush, Gush, Gush]

Panel 2
It’s…hot…

Page 28
Panel 1
[SFX: Slide]
[SFX: Twitch, Twitch]
[SFX: Drip]
[SFX: Shiver, Shiver]

Panel 2
[SFX: Tremble, Tremble]
[SFX: Slosh, Slosh]
[SFX: Drip, Drip]
A-Are you okay…Sugu…?
Sniff, Sniff
[SFX: Shiver, Shiver]
Haa
Haa
M-Mm…

Panel 3
Thank you…onii-chan…

Page 29
Panel 1
Nn…
[SFX: Snore]

Panel 3
[SFX: Snore]
Sorry…Su…gu…

Panel 5
I’m sorry…onii-chan…

Page 30
Hello! Seven Days Holiday here.
We’ve come down to four doujin, with two of them being for SAO.
With this, “Sister Faerie” has been smoothly issued.
As you can see on the cover, this is a doujin featuring Suguha.
While storyboarding this, the last line was going to be:
“(mumble, mumble) …Asuna…”
But I think that would’ve been too mean to Suguha…
Or I could’ve made Kirito evil, but I decided not to.
Thank goodness, thank goodness…

Well, it’s almost time for the year 2013.
Seven Days Holiday will also have to start planning for more events.
Please do stop by if you have the opportunity.

Well, then, I wish everyone a Happy New Year! Have a good one!

This post has been edited by Nom-Nom: Jan 29 2015, 16:57

Looks good, I expect only minor proofreading changes if any.

Editing bounty posted at http://ehentaihip.com/bounty.php?bid=11798